The Semi-Colon

I propose we get rid of the semi-colon, the most confusing, misused, and unnecessary punctuation mark. There is nothing a semi-colon can do that a period, conjunction, or comma can’t do just as well. Let’s look at the “rules” – conventions, actually – of the semi-colon:

1. Link two independent clauses that are closely related. 

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles; others prefer beef.”

This sentence would be much more elegant with a simple conjunction.

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles, while others prefer beef.”

If you wanted to emphasize conflict, you could use a period.

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles. Others prefer beef.”

And while I realize I’m going out on a punctuation limb here, I’d be fine with a simple comma.

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles, others prefer beef.”

There’s no confusion (the purpose of punctuation) with this last example, two brief clauses with a parallel structure.

2. Link clauses joined by transitional phrases or conjunctive adverbs.

                “However you may think that the decline of Western civilization is being hurried by the Kardashians, you should not throw a brick through your 40” high-definition TV; sadly, it just won’t change a thing.”

A period would make the point just as clearly and with a bit more emphasis.

                “However you may think that the decline of Western civilization is being hurried by the Kardashians, you should not throw a brick through your 50” high-definition TV. Sadly, it just won’t change a thing.”

3. Link lengthy clauses or clauses with commas to avoid confusion between the clauses.

                “A few people still write with a typewriter, pen or pencil, or cuneiform tablet; but most of us living in this century use a computer.”

A comma rather than the semi-colon should be okay for at least a competent reader (and if you aren’t writing for competent readers, you shouldn’t be writing).

                “A few people still write with a typewriter, pen or pencil, or cuneiform tablet, but most of us living in this century use a computer.” 

4. Link lists where one or more of the elements include commas to avoid confusion among the list elements.

                “There are basically two ways to avoid marital strife: marry someone who is too stupid to recognize all of your deficiencies, which is problematic, especially if you like to engage in conversations about politics, movies, or religion; or don’t get married at all, though that will diminish your chances of having children.”

Again, a comma would work just fine here for the competent reader.

                “There are basically two ways to avoid marital strife: marry someone who is too stupid to recognize all of your deficiencies, which is problematic, especially if you like to engage in conversations about politics, movies, or religion, or don’t get married at all, though that will diminish your chances of having children.”

Or better yet, just stop writing such convoluted sentences. And stop using semi-colons. The fewer punctuation marks, the better off we’d all be.