The Semi-Colon

I propose we get rid of the semi-colon, the most confusing, misused, and unnecessary punctuation mark. There is nothing a semi-colon can do that a period, conjunction, or comma can’t do just as well. Let’s look at the “rules” – conventions, actually – of the semi-colon:

1. Link two independent clauses that are closely related. 

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles; others prefer beef.”

This sentence would be much more elegant with a simple conjunction.

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles, while others prefer beef.”

If you wanted to emphasize conflict, you could use a period.

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles. Others prefer beef.”

And while I realize I’m going out on a punctuation limb here, I’d be fine with a simple comma.

                “Some people like roasted pork testicles, others prefer beef.”

There’s no confusion (the purpose of punctuation) with this last example, two brief clauses with a parallel structure.

2. Link clauses joined by transitional phrases or conjunctive adverbs.

                “However you may think that the decline of Western civilization is being hurried by the Kardashians, you should not throw a brick through your 40” high-definition TV; sadly, it just won’t change a thing.”

A period would make the point just as clearly and with a bit more emphasis.

                “However you may think that the decline of Western civilization is being hurried by the Kardashians, you should not throw a brick through your 50” high-definition TV. Sadly, it just won’t change a thing.”

3. Link lengthy clauses or clauses with commas to avoid confusion between the clauses.

                “A few people still write with a typewriter, pen or pencil, or cuneiform tablet; but most of us living in this century use a computer.”

A comma rather than the semi-colon should be okay for at least a competent reader (and if you aren’t writing for competent readers, you shouldn’t be writing).

                “A few people still write with a typewriter, pen or pencil, or cuneiform tablet, but most of us living in this century use a computer.” 

4. Link lists where one or more of the elements include commas to avoid confusion among the list elements.

                “There are basically two ways to avoid marital strife: marry someone who is too stupid to recognize all of your deficiencies, which is problematic, especially if you like to engage in conversations about politics, movies, or religion; or don’t get married at all, though that will diminish your chances of having children.”

Again, a comma would work just fine here for the competent reader.

                “There are basically two ways to avoid marital strife: marry someone who is too stupid to recognize all of your deficiencies, which is problematic, especially if you like to engage in conversations about politics, movies, or religion, or don’t get married at all, though that will diminish your chances of having children.”

Or better yet, just stop writing such convoluted sentences. And stop using semi-colons. The fewer punctuation marks, the better off we’d all be.

Slashes and Dashes

SPOILER ALERT: Following is a rant that is of no use or interest to anyone whatsoever. Consider yourself forewarned.

Regularly, I hear people on the radio or TV who provide inaccurate URL addresses, typically involving two misunderstandings of Internet language:

(1) Backslash. You hear this error frequently (much too often) in giving URLs orally, usually something like “http, colon, backslash, backslash, idiotsonparade [one word], dot  com, backslash, call” for http://idiotsonparade.com/call. Those slashes are not backslashes (\) but rather just slashes (/), an error that goes back to the old days of DOS language, which really did use backslashes. But URLs these days don’t.

(2) Dash. “idiots-on-parade” is not “idiots, dash, on, dash, parade,” but rather “idiots, hyphen, on, hyphen, parade.” A hyphen is a short line (-), the one used in URL addresses. A dash is a longer line, formed either by two hyphens (--) or by a word processing program symbol (—), neither of which is recognized in URL language.

It’s not that difficult, people. Just learn the language — slash and hyphen, not backslash and dash.

The Exclamation Point

If I were to be named the Chief of Grammar Police, one of my first proclamations would be to ban the exclamation point. It’s the only punctuation mark that has one and only one legitimate function: to express exclamation (“Oh!) or command (“Stop!”) – in dialogue. “Shit!” does all the work that’s needed. It indicates spoken exclamation. “Shit,” she shouted. would be okay but dampen the emotion. “Shit!” she shouted.  would just be redundant. In writing, diction and syntax should carry the emotion, not punctuation. Shit. The word alone expresses the emotion (which is why you don’t see it in popular publications).

Most writing handbooks do caution against the “overuse” of the exclamation point. The venerable Strunk and White, in The Elements of Style, rightly instruct us: “Do not attempt to emphasize simple statements by using a mark of exclamation.” They suggest It was a wonderful show. (period) rather than It was a wonderful show! (exclamation point). But the examples of acceptable exclamation point use they offer are What a wonderful show! and Halt! – without any quotations marks to indicate that these are (or should be) dialogue. There might be a subtle difference between the written It was a wonderful show! (not preferred) and What a wonderful show! (preferred), but I don’t see it. Better would be to pare the rule down to: Only use an exclamation point to express exclamation or command in dialogue. Or else. Not, Or else!

Lets Go

Old Navy, seeking to cash in on the start of another school year (meaning the start of another college football season), has created a new product line of licensed college and professional sportswear, “Superfan Nation.” One of the products in the line is a T-shirt with the logo and team name of one of dozens of schools and the words “Lets go!!” above. But as my grammar check suggests, there should be an apostrophe to indicate the contraction for the imperative “Let us go” as opposed to the verb indicating release, as in “The quarterback lets go of ball.” There’ve been rumblings in some quarters about how this is just one more indication of how no one knows anything anymore about grammar or punctuation or generally how to write good. Or even more generally about how our education system has let us down (let’s down?) and everything would be right in the world again if we just went back to phonics and cursive and dipping Susie’s pigtails in the inkwell. As a retired professor of college composition, I can’t get worked up about this corporate violation of our language. I see worse dozens of times every day just reading the newspapers (how many know the difference between “every day” and “everyday”?). Actually, I have less of a problem with the missing apostrophe than I have with the double exclamation points (they should only be used sparingly, only in dialogue, and only one at a time, please!!), though considering the sporting context, I could accept one. But then the exclamation point is an end point, indicating the end of a sentence, thereby making the capital “G” in “Go” a spelling error. Old Navy is offering to replace the faulty T-shirts and are reprinting them with an apostrophe. But I would suggest they go the next step (let’s go the next step) and fully correct the locution: “Let’s go!” (With the quote marks.)