Michele Bachmann for President (Debater)

I support Michele Bachmann for the Republican presidential nomination this next year, not because she wouldn’t stand a chance in hell of beating Barack Obama (she doesn’t stand a chance in hell of winning the nomination) but because I would be glued to our 40”-HD TV set to see her debate Obama and play a drinking game where I’d take a hit every time she said something idiotic, ignorant, or insane:

"If we took away the minimum wage – if conceivably it was gone – we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level." (Jan. 2005) Yes, and if we took away child labor laws we could fully wipe out unemployment. And how about bringing back slavery? Bottoms up!

"I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?" (Oct. 2008) Considering she’s one “of the people in Congress,” maybe she could start her McCarthy witch hunt with herself. Bottoms up!

"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas." (Apr. 2009) I’ll have to let me stepdaughter – and the thousands of her atmospheric scientist colleagues – that her dissertation charting the harmfulness of carbon dioxide isn’t valid. Bottoms up!

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." (28 Apr. 2009) Pretty interesting coincidence, indeed, except that the 1976 swine flu outbreak happened during the administration of Republican President Gerald Ford. Coincidence? Bottoms up!

"But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly – men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." (Jan. 2011) Except that many of the founders – including Washington and Jefferson – owned slaves; they were all dead before “slavery was no more”; and John Quincy Adams (1767-1848) wasn’t a founder. Bottoms up!

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too.” (June 2011) An elevating thought, although the John Wayne from Waterloo (Bachman’s hometown) is John Wayne Gacy, serial killer, not the cowboy actor from Winterset, Iowa. Bottoms up!

"Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today." (16 Aug. 2011) How thoughtful. Too bad Elvis was born on January 8, he died on August 16. Bottoms up!

“I would go over to the Department of Education, I’d turn off the lights, I would lock the door and I would send all of the money back to the states and localities.” (22 Sept. 2011) Despite this being something that no president could do, it would be a great photo-op to precede her being carted off to the loony bin. Bottoms up!

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending." (Aug. 2011) So God wreaks havoc through earthquakes and hurricanes in order to get politicians to listen to the roaring American people. Okay, but what was he telling the people of Japan or Indonesia or Haiti or . . . ? Bottoms up!

“As president of the United States, every mile, every yard, every foot, every inch will be covered on that southern border.” (16 Aug. 2011) Grammar aside (at least I don’t think she’s campaigning for the southern border to be president of the United States), I would hope she’d be more specific about what she wanted to cover the border with. Bottoms up!

“The Republican Party cannot get the issue of life wrong. It’s a seminal issue.” (15 Dec. 2011) Indeed, I guess you can’t get much more seminal than impregnation. Bottoms up!

I’d be on-the-floor smashed before the end of the first round of questioning in such a debate. And imagine if a Bachmann/Obama debate schedule followed that of McCain/Obama in 2008 – three debates and two forums. I’d have to get a lifetime membership to the Betty Ford Clinic. And a swine flu shot.