Sunday, August 21, 2011

Old As Dirt

I was going through the checkout line at Hy-Vee this afternoon. A cheerful, pleasant-looking man in front of me, dressed in khakis, a red polo shirt, balding with gray hair, about my age, was buying a copy of Sports Illustrated, chatting amicably with the bagboy. They clearly knew one another. As the cheerful, pleasant-looking man about my age walked away, the bagboy turned to the checkout girl and said, “That guy was my counselor in high school. He’s old as dirt.” I hadn’t heard that expression in years. But I’d never heard it in reference to someone not much older than me, if older at all. Old as dirt? Is that what I am? Do my students refer to me that way? “My English professor is old as dirt.”

We typically mark age by years, particularly decades. The age of 40 is probably the first time we hear something along the lines of (accompanied by a chuckle) “So old man . . . ,” and certainly by 50 (“the big Five-O”). By 60 it turns more to lines like “Well, you’re not dead yet . . .” or “You want me to get you some prune juice?” But as I grow old (and older) my aging is marked not by birthdays and decades but by the simple day-to-day “old as dirt” moments of reminder. And they’re not shocking or sad, just reminders of the reality of passing time.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Economic Beast

As I sit here on the cusp between semi-retirement and full-fledged geezerhood (assuming I still receive some pittance of a pension, social security, and/or Medicare, and am not living under a bridge over a creek, chewing on watercress and duck droppings), I can’t at all understand why governments and financial institutions can’t just come out and say what is perfectly obvious: No one knows anything about how the economy (U.S. or world) works and thus have no way of affecting it, one way or the other. Consider these quotes from a current Time magazine article:

“The fact is, even the world's savviest investors don't seem to know how to play the latest bout of market gloom.”

“The Federal Reserve's promise to keep interest rates low until mid-2013 – a move meant to coax consumers and businesses to lend and spend – failed to juice markets. That sent confused investors into a tug-of-war between those who think global growth will tank and those who see stocks as a bargain.”

“The bottom line? We are entering an age of austerity, and no one – not the Fed, not China, not a unified Europe – seems able to save us from that fact.”

The economy (or maybe it should be Economy) is an entity in and of itself, beyond human control, a beast from a 1950s sci-fi movie that stomps around the globe at will, crushing throngs of fleeing, screaming people, flicking off the fiscal missiles of the Fed or Treasury like pesky gnats. Don’t believe any politician who says they can do anything about it. They can’t, and that’s the fact. The best to do is find a politician who will admit to this reality and just say, “Weather the storm and see how many of us are left alive at the end.” Or just run screaming through the streets. Good luck.

THE END?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Cellphone

According to a new study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project, 13% of cellphone users (and 83% of American’s own cellphones) use their phones to avoid face-to-face communication with others around them by pretending to be gabbing on their phones. This strikes me as brilliant, probably the best use of a cellphone that I’ve ever heard of. Now I’m someone who’s only had a cellphone for two and a half years and only occasionally use it as an actual phone, maybe making only a couple of dozen calls in those two and a half years and taking only maybe half a dozen (I don’t have that many friends, and I’m retired), using my iPhone mostly to check the weather or my email or baseball scores. I currently have 408 anytime minutes, 5,000 night and weekend minutes, and 4,268 rollover minutes (minutes I’ve not used); I could probably talk for the rest of my life and not use up all of that time. (Not that I have anybody to talk with.) Or I could just pretend to, like the 13% in the Pew study, and accrue even more minutes that I’ll never use. When cellphones (or mobile phones, as they were first dubbed) appeared some 20 or so years ago, I thought they would be a boon to the crazies among us, in that instead of walking around the streets talking randomly to no one in particular in their crazy kind of way, they could now get a mobile phone (working or not), stick it upside their head, and talk away to their heart’s content, appearing to all the world as engaged and maybe even important, not whacky as a loon. Now it seems that more and more of us are adopting this strategy of masking our lunacy. And I have some 10,000 minutes to play the game. “Roy! What are you up to? . . . Great. How did the meeting with Ferguson go? . . . Really? Well, I’m sure he’ll come around. . . . No, I never did find out what that walnut was doing hiding out in my underwear. I’m booked on the next flight to Kuala Lumpur, though, to watch some TV. Talk to ya later.”

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

10 Reasons I'm Not Going To Heaven

1. I don’t believe in god (or gods).

2. Despite #1, I regularly take the name of whatever lord thy god in vain.

3. I eat – nay, love – pork.

4. I’ve had a near-death experience and didn’t see any lights.

5. I play poker (for money).

6. My barber (hair stylist) is gay and collects Barbie dolls.

7. I vote Democrat (when I can’t vote Socialist).

8. I drive a Japanese car (and three before that and a German car before that).

9. I drink beer. And wine. And Scotch.

10. There is no heaven.

Monday, August 15, 2011

A Secessionist President

Among the many lies sprinkled (with vigor) throughout his announcement of his run for the presidency, Texas Governor Rick Perry included the following (which he and his Repub cohorts have spouted numerous times): “We don’t need a president who apologizes for America. We need a president who protects and projects those values.” As The Washington Post’s “Fact Checker” has pointed out, this crap is just . . . well, crap. Or perhaps given Perry’s Texas roots, bullshit. Or horseshit. Take your shit pick. He followed this up a couple of days later, foot firmly planted atop a hay bale at the Iowa State Fair, folksy as he could be (not very), declaring: “You want a president who is passionate about America, who loves America!” (Read: not Obama.) Beyond the complete speciousness of this bullshit (or horseshit) is that it’s coming from the “passionate” Governor of Texas who just two years ago, pandering to the idiots of the Tea Party, raised the possibility of Texas seceding from the Union:

Dressed in jeans, boots and a baseball cap with a camouflage peak and a hunting outfitter's logo [how Cabelas], the Texas governor was one of the few major politicians to appear at the tea parties across the country. While crowds yelled "Secede! Secede!," Perry — 60 but telegenic and youthful — thought out loud that secession might be the outcome if Washington does not mend its "oppressive" high-spending, dictatorial ways.

Yeah, that’s the kind of “telegenic and youthful” (60+?) president “who loves America” we need in office — someone who sees secession as a viable option. His campaign slogan should be “Jefferson Davis and Perry too!” More sad is that he’s not the worst of the waste that’s polluting the Republican presidential candidates flaying about here in Iowa this early election season. Most sad is that he and his batshit Repub allies are getting the support they’re getting. If this country is headed into the shitter, these are the Pied Pipers leading the way.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

August Garden Dinner

A pleasant August evening and a meal (mostly) from the garden: grilled chicken with a tomato and herb sauce, pasta primavera, and Greek salad. We take what we’re given when given.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Writing Desk

I don’t recall when or where I first became aware of the tiny writing desk, though it must have been at my maternal grandparents’ house, probably in the basement where my cousin and I would spend the occasional weekend night, listening to a gothic-shaped wooden radio from the 1930s, playing board games, and steeping tea ever so slowly over a steam radiator until tepid. When my grandfather died, my grandmother moved into a smaller house and then later, when her health declined in her late-80s, into an assisted-living apartment. It was sometime during those moves that I as a college student with some aspirations to be a writer took interest in the desk and asked, informally, if I might have it when the right time came. When my grandmother died, the desk ended up in my parents’ house, and when my father went into a nursing home and my mother moved into an apartment, the desk found its way to the back of a walk-in closet. I kept my eye on it and my bid for it with each move. This past week, while visiting my mother, she said that she’d like to make room in the closet for a shoe rack and asked if I would take the desk. Of course I would. It fit easily in the back of my car. No problem.

I have no idea why I took an interest in this desk, let alone kept that interest up all these years. As a college student, living in small apartments, writing my papers on a kitchen table, or maybe the floor, it probably seemed the perfect size to fit a textbook or writing tablet or my portable Smith-Corona. But back then there was no chance of me gaining possession. And as to its qualities qua desk, it’s a tiny thing, three feet tall at the back, two feet wide, a top shelf of seven inches, an interior shelf of seven-by-three inches, no drawers or cubby holes, a pull-down writing surface one foot by two feet in front and one foot by one-and-a-half foot inside, all perched on four simple (and simply) turned legs. There are two small square rods with ceramic knobs that pull out to support the hinged door/writing surface, and a lock, long-since missing a key. In all, it’s as minimally functional as one might find. And it’s not at all in that great of shape. There has been at least one broken piece in the front, below the door, patched back together with a row of screws. There are any number of nicks and dents. There are several serious spills of what appear to be ink from inkwells, as well as considerable wear overall.

But whatever interest I might have originally had in this tiny writing desk, the story and the peopling of the desk infused it with a family history – mostly unknown to this day – that is only hinted at by the posted note in fragile cursive from my grandmother: “Elmdale, Illinois Wood from 1850.” In a brief note I’ve seen elsewhere I suspect that she intended that space to be filled in with something like “a walnut tree on my great-grandfather’s farm.” Her great-grandfather (my great-great-great-grandfather), a Dixon if he was on her paternal side, I don’t know what if it was her maternal side, apparently felled the walnut tree, hewed it, cut and lathed it, constructed and finished it (all without power tools), on his farm in Elmdale, Illinois, in 1850, and it has been passed down – and apparently used – for the past 161 years. Perhaps he was furnishing his first house. Perhaps it was a gift for his wife or a child. Perhaps he had his own aspirations to be a writer. I can’t imagine ever knowing anything more about the desk’s origins or first 100 years. But I know of its past 61 years, a quiet period, and it now rests comfortably in my home, next to the dining room table my wife and I bought when we first moved into our house with our inheritance from my grandmother’s estate.