10 Reasons I'm Not Going To Heaven

1. I don’t believe in god (or gods).

2. Despite #1, I regularly take the name of whatever lord thy god in vain.

3. I eat – nay, love – pork.

4. I’ve had a near-death experience and didn’t see any lights.

5. I play poker (for money).

6. My barber (hair stylist) is gay and collects Barbie dolls.

7. I vote Democrat (when I can’t vote Socialist).

8. I drive a Japanese car (and three before that and a German car before that).

9. I drink beer. And wine. And Scotch.

10. There is no heaven.