I don’t recall my ever being religious, or believing in god
or heaven or hell. At least into my teen years, I attended church more or less
regularly, but only because my parents didn’t offer the option of opting out.
And what I remember most about church was playing tic-tac-toe on the programs
(or whatever they’re called) in the balcony, and occasionally sneaking out to
the post office across the parking lot to get a Coke from the vending machine.
We did belong to a conservative Christian church, and I was baptized, fully
dunked in a pool, wearing a robe, the minister going through whatever ritual it
was that attended the ceremony. But I wasn’t placing any spiritual significance
in the event. I was more happy to surreptitiously partake in a quantity of the
grape juice used as the “wine” during communion while I was waiting alone in
the wings backstage. I wasn’t a believer, but I wasn’t a doubter either.
Ambivalent probably best describes my faith through my teen years.
No doubt it was in college that my active non-belief formed,
if only because I took courses in philosophy, comparative religion, and Eastern
culture (not to mention all the literature courses I took as an English major).
It became clear that the whole basis of religion – all religions – rests on the
fact and the fear of death. Religion offers answers to the question of what
happens when we die. And the answers are wrapped around rules about how to
behave: play by the rules, and your eternal afterlife will be positive (even
heavenly); break the rules, and . . . well, you don’t want that (it’s going to be hell). I’ve never had a problem imagining
how my afterlife is going to be, because I’ve already experienced it – before I
was born. It was – as I’m sure was yours– an eternal void of mental or corporal
sense. And I don’t see that my infinite future post-life should be any
different from my infinite past pre-life.
I’m happy enough to be here, though I have my up and down
days. And I try to do and be good, though not from any proscribed rules, but
because I think we owe it to those who have come before and to those who will come
after to maintain this miracle of life by not fucking it up. Also, it just
makes things easier for us all while we’re stuck here.
