Hearing Loss or Just Earwax?

One of the advantages – or depending on your point of view, downsides – of the Internet and all its prodigies – email, Facebook, Twitter, et al. – is the diminution of old-fashioned mail, the kind that’s delivered by mail carriers, folded and sealed in envelopes, stamped and addressed, physical personal contact over miles between two human beings. Except for birthday and holiday cards, the US Postal Service is now primarily in the service of junk mail, mostly unwanted advertising and promotion and solicitation. But occasionally – and more frequently it seems lately – there are marketing mailings that are creatively, and often humorously, engaging.

Take for instance the mailing I received today from one Laura Popelka, Czech Square, 4330 Czech Lane NE, Ste A4, Cedar Rapids IA 52402. I’ve never heard of Laura; she’s neither a friend, acquaintance, coworker, or in any other way known to me. But the bright yellow envelope is addressed in what appears to be a quite talented, controlled hand, in blue ink, though on closer inspection it’s clearly a mass-printed envelope (the lack of an actual stamp, the scanning code, and Laura’s not knowing what my name is are all clues). But when I open Laura’s letter, the first thing I read at the top of the form letter is “Hearing Loss or Just Earwax?” How can I not read further? Laura (Hearing Instrument Specialist) invokes Helen Keller (it makes sense) in her appeal: “When you lose your vision, you lose contact with things. When you lose your hearing, you lose contact with people.” (I can imagine the possible advantages to losing contact with at least some people, though I’ll play along.) “Modern technology is fascinating isn’t it?,” Laura begins (too excited apparently to include a necessary comma). “I’m writing [sure you are, Laura] to offer you an opportunity to take a look inside your ear using a tiny video camera . . . Using the Video Otoscope, a Miracle-Ear® representative may be able to determine whether your hearing difficulties [why do you think I have any? has someone been talking with you about me? or is it just because I’m old?] are being caused by earwax buildup. This inspection may also reveal other conditions which may make it difficult for you to hear clearly.” Gee, Laura, what do you think the odds are that this Miracle-Ear® representative will find some other “condition” for my not hearing clearly (which at least for now is not a problem, thank you very much), and further, that they will have some sort of Miracle-Ear® cure or relief that they can sell me? Just as Anne Sullivan helped Helen Keller to . . . Oh wait, I guess she never did get that earwax buildup problem cleared up, did she?