An Idiot With an iPhone

There are occasionally events that demonstrate without doubt that I’m an idiot. Such was the phone call to my mother this afternoon. I try to call my mother, now in her mid-80s, every two or three weeks, to keep her up on how her wayward semi-retired son is somehow surviving. For the past couple of years, since my wife got me a cellphone and we disconnected our land phone’s long distance, I’ve phoned my mother on my cellphone. It’s about the only phone call I make. I don’t use my phone as a phone. I use the calendar, I check the weather, when I’m away from home and my laptop I check my email and use the iPad. But I seldom have reason to make a phone call, and there are precious few people in the world who ever call me.

So as I was talking with my mother today, I glanced from my chair to the side-table where my phone usually sits and noticed that my phone wasn’t where it always is. I got up and checked my pocket. Before my call I’d been to the store, and when I ever go out I take my phone with me, just in case I may need to make some emergency call (which I’ve not had to do in three years), and I put it in my pocket. But it wasn’t there. I walked to the table where I keep my sunglasses and checkbook, but the phone wasn’t there either. My wife came through the room, and I said to both her and my mother, “I’ve lost my phone.” And in that instant I realized I was holding my phone up to my ear, talking with my mother. My wife rolled her eyes, just one more speed bump on the way to widowhood. My mother didn’t say anything. But then she’s had 63 years of suffering an idiot for a son.

My iPhone

When I turned 60 a couple of years ago, my wife went out on a very thin limb and bought me an iPhone 3G, thus making me the last human on Earth to own a cell phone. I’d never had any use for a cell phone (discounting telemarketers and wrong numbers, I receive about two phone calls a week and make about the same). But I had been following the hype of the iPhone and was somewhat curious about all the bells and whistles (not actual bells and whistles, of course; I don’t know when actual bells and whistles stopped being included in appliances) that the iPhone promised – the internet, email, gps, camera, video, radio, iPod, and oh the billions of apps. I was dubious when I unwrapped the package and saw what it was. Not only do I not have much need of a phone, but my history with all technologies is a sad trail of confusion, contusions, and creative cursing. I dropped the phone while taking it out of the box, bouncing it off the floor. But I gave the iPhone a chance. The gift was well-meaning and intended to bring me at least into the late 20^th century, if not the early 21^st. And two years later, I use my iPhone regularly. I check the weather several times a day. I surf the internet, read newspapers, listen to radio, check my email, read books, try to find myself with gps, find restaurants, etc. with my four pages of apps. I’m still learning, and have a ways to go. (I don’t text message and never will. What’s the purpose?) But the one thing I still rarely use on my iPhone is the phone function itself. I happened today for the first time in two years to go into my usage summary for the current billing cycle (halfway through the month), and this is what I found:

Anytime Minutes	39 of 450
Night & Weekend	74 of 5000
Rollover Minutes	0 of 4257

Anybody want to buy some minutes? As I said, I don’t have a big need for a phone. I’m glad I have it. But my fascination is with the convergence of all the technologies into one gadget. And I’m considering looking into the iPhone4 (hey, it has video). But it’s a slippery slope. The iPhone5 – or whatever – is sure to be just months away. Maybe they’ll phone me when it comes out. Or text.